Holy Technology

Well, here I am with all of my holy gadgets. Now, I’m usually not even the least bit concerned about seeming hypocritical… but in this case I thought it might be obvious, even to my dear simpleminded baggers, that since I made so much fun of Obama for using that rich-man’s technology thingy there, the teleprompter…. I couldn’t use one either.

So, after all the lamestream media hoopla over my palm scribbles, I had to come up with a quick reason for lookin’ so stupid there. And, what’s my never-fail fallback when I get caught in a sticky situation with my lunacy showin’? You got it… God. There he was, again. Him and Jesus throwin’ all those lights around and floppin’ open that Bible for me to grab onto like a life-preserver in a frozen lake! I’m always amazed at how that Bible comes in handy, you betcha. Anything I do, no matter how vengeful, mean-spirited or just plain dumb it is… I can find a quote for it there. I think that’s why Jesus and God wrote it. Kinda like how the founding fathers wrote all that “We The People” stuff. Why, I can find a quote by Thomas Jefferson to prove or disprove, or just confuse, almost anything I think, by golly! Bein’ a God-fearing Christian American is just so convenient!

Anyhoo, so now I have ALL my technology sanctified by God Almighty. I’ve got my poor-man’s teleprompter there (my left hand), my poor-man’s Blackberry (my right hand), and my poor-man’s GPS system (my feet).

Now, you might be askin’ “Scarah, what the holy heck are you all poor-man’s this and poor-man’s that about? You’re surely not poor!” And, you’d be right! I’m not. Not by a long shot. So, here’s the reason behind it:

I have to work really hard to keep my baggers screamin’ things like “She’s just like us” and “She feels our pain over something or other, who knows what, but something”.. If they stop thinkin’ I’m just like them, they might not be so eager to cut me those big fat checks that I love so much. I couldn’t let that happen. I keep my duelin’ Blackberry’s, my three or four cell phones (we’re on the “Waaaay-Extended Family Plan), and all of my other helpful gadgets tucked away in my custom-designed bra and my Fendi purse.. oh and in a little zipper pocket built into the side of all of my $1,000 boots. It takes a lot of work to act all folksy and down-to earth, but holy heck, am I good at it or what?

The only thing I couldn’t think of a poor-man’s namey thingy for was my Facebook page. I guess since it’s free for awhile anyway, poor folks do get to use it just like I do… but of course, I get to call my friends “fans”. And gosh darnit, that makes ’em feel important. It does. Jesus told me so…. on my poor-man’s satellite dish connection to the heavenly host, yes siree Bab.

©Scarah Palin 2010

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The List

Well alrighty there, how’ya doin today? I’m still over here, all offended by most things, and on some days almost everything.

As hard as it is to be “Our Lady of the Perpetually Offended”, I can always make it work to my advantage. But, gosh darnit, every time I turn around there’s somebody not likin’ me, or prankin’ me, or sayin’ I got the liberals all wee-wee’d up over something, or makin’ a mean video of me, or there’s some TV show host talkin’ about how stupid I am… it just never ends! I just wish I could put ’em all on a big map there, with crosshairs and tell all of my Palinbots to “reload”. That’d show’em, but I already played the reload card.

So, now I’m just starting Scarah’s List of Shame. Everybody who makes me mad is going on the list there, and I’m gonna have one of my entourage post it on my Facebook page.

I’m not gonna even bother putting that Socialist, Fascist, Marxist, Nazi, Liberal Obama on the list. It’d take up an entire book there just to list his offenses against me… especially after he had the nerve to question my authority on nookular technology. How dare him? I just hate it when I attack and they get to attack back!

So now, these are just some of the names I have so far, along with the reasons why God wants me to hate ’em:
• David Letterman – For being a ugly meanie old pervert
• Jimmy Kimmel – For making fun of me too many times to count (more than ten)
• Chris Matthews – For calling me an “empty vessel” (my vessel has been filled more times than Octomom’s, by golly)
• Alan Grayson – For calling me a “wild Alaskan Dingbat” (I shoot those things when they fly over)
• Keith Olbermann – For saying I tell lies, and making fun of Palintology
• Rahm Emanuel – Don’t get me started… really, don’t
• Tina Fey – For being prettier and smarter than me when she’s being me
• Betty White – For calling me a “crazy bitch”
• Jennifer Lopez – For calling me a “la cabrona” (also means crazy bitch)
• Rachel Maddow – For saying I have “misguided talking points” (I’m guided by God Almighty)
• That swishy boy on YouTube – For imitating me in an ugly wig and cheap shoes
• And anybody who makes up a funny song about me

Now, just be sure you like me and don’t make fun of me, or I’ll have your name slapped on my Facebook page faster than you can say “nailin pailin”, you betcha I will!

(I heard that… you said “nailin palin”. That’s IT. You’re on my list!)

©Scarah Palin 2010

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My “Effect”

Dumbing Down America

Let's just try NOT to be smarter than a first grader.

Well, I know one thing for sure (I think)…Obama might be known for being a Columbia University, Harvard Law-educated, smarty-pants, but as far as I know, he doesn’t have an “Effect” named after him! So there!

Everyone everywhere is running around all bothered by “The Scarah Palin Effect”. My name will go down in history, and probably be studied in school textbooks (in Texas) as being the person who led somebody or did something, and that’s no little thing! Here’s what one Professor said about me:

“A close association between conservative, reactionary politics and religion is driving better educated Americans away from church, what Scott Schieman calls “the Sarah Palin effect.” – The Catholic Register

I say who needs the “better educated” in church? Aren’t they just question-askin’ troublemakers anyway? Good riddance as far as I’m concerned, and I know you think the same way, dont’cha?

So, when my 30 minutes of fame is over, and they write about me, and I know they will because they already do, I hope they include stories about how I made it a commonplace cultural activity to mock the educated. I want them to tell how I thumbed my nose at higher learning in place of good old commonsense conservaturdism; how I spread my garbled and unintelligible version of the bible and the constitution to the angry and uniformed masses; and how I got paid millions to spew angry zingers like “hopey-changey” and “death panels” and how I talked about imaginary branches of government. Darn-tootin’ I do! Those things are important accomplishments and I’m stickin’ by ’em! I am!

Now here’s my solemn promise to the baggers, the Wal-Mart shoppers, and all you folks in trailer parks all over this great nation of ours:

When I’m elected Queen, I mean President, in 2012, I fully intend to keep the dumbing-down of America in full-swing as long as I’m able to do so.

By the time I’m finished spreadin’ the “Scarah Palin Effect” all over this wonderful nation, there won’t be a need for programs like No Child Left Behind. It’ll just be called No Child Taught to Read. But, dont’cha worry one little bit about that, no siree. My kids can’t read and look how fabulous they’re all doin’!

And just know that when Scarah makes a promise, you can bank on it! Speakin’ of which, have you written a big fat check to Scarah PAC lately? If not, get out that pen! Right now!

©Scarah Palin 2010

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Welcome To My Nightmare…

Every once in awhile I have this recurring nightmare. Usually, it’s after another one of the awfully insensitive things I do, but I’d never admit that out loud. Well, I had it again last night. Probably because of my involvement in the trial of that kid who pranked me. Honestly, sometimes I think that the possibility of him getting up to 50 years for what really only amounted to a temporary inconvenience to me does seem a little steep!

So, in the dream I’m running across a frozen lake. There’s a helicopter flying over my head piloted by wolves, and some of them know how to use big guns… they’re shooting at me and I’m running for my life! My high-heals are getting stuck in the ice, and my Bump-It is floppin’ and my frightening hair is flappin’ in my eyes. Then I notice that there are moose and caribou and other majestic animals standing at the tree line munchin’ popcorn and making bets on how many shots it will take to bring me down! And Toad is there too… he’s ridin’ along beside me on his infernal snowmobile, with a Bud in one hand, hollering “Run Scarah, Run!”

Well, as if that wasn’t scary enough, last night there was a new twist. After the wolves flew past me, I thought I was gonna be OK, but then I heard screamin’ and chantin’ and there was a crowd of people in CSU Stanislaus t-shirts running after me, screaming things like “no bendy straws for you, harpie” and “we don’t need no stinkin’ winking” and “show us the money, honey”… Oh, it was horrible!!!!

Now, any thinking-person would assume that these nightmares are signs of guilt trying to squeak through my shiny Teflon exterior, but those thinkers would be dead wrong. I know this because guilt requires a conscience, and I don’t have one…. nope, not at all.

I’m just a little overly tired from all of my days on the road. All that screeching and carrying on that I do takes its toll, I tell ya’! I also think it must be Obama’s brain chip thingy trying to invade my mentalness. I really do. There’s just no end to things I can blame him for, no siree Bab.

©2010 Scarah Palin

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Well, I’m just so proud of my performance down there in Tennessee last week! And, my sweet innocent Bristol also too. We (but mostly me) really wowed ’em. I made a point to smile like crazy (literally) while I was on the stand testifying as to how that hacker kid ruined at least 15 minutes of my otherwise perfect and Godly life.

I know there is some speculation as to whether I perjured myself when I said I only used that account for personal stuff. I mean, MSNBC has over 3,000 pages of emails from that account and over half of them discuss Governor-ish business from Alaska, but that doesn’t matter (because I said it doesn’t). I mostly used it for people to tell me about my kids (good thing someone was keepin’ an eye on ’em) and other various personal things. So, that’s that.

What does matter is consequences. There should be some… for other people’s kids. MY kids, on the other hand, are practically feral from lack of guidance, and are well aware that anything they do will be swept under the rug. I mean, there’s my lovely Bristol (she looks just like me when I was younger, last year)… she’s made more money off gettin’ knocked up than any other teenager in the world! Probably even more than Jamie Lynn Spears. Then there’s my soldier boy, Trapp, or Trick, or Track.. whatever his name is. He was arrested so many times that it was off to prison or serve in the military. Of course, he did the honorable thing (after so many dishonorable things). Now my mavericky little Willow is running with her girl gang, vandalizing homes (to the tune of over $20,000). She skated away without consequences under the umbrella of money and bully tactics.

Really, the only people who will suffer consequences when MY kids screw up will be anyone who goes after them, you betcha! And who knows what’s to come from my other 17, or 11, or 9.. oh, however many more there are? I’m just such a loving, protective mom to my little embarrassments, I mean kiddos.

Anyhoo, I think my Track-rec… I mean track-record is speakin’ for itself. Like I said when I went after Levi (Bristol’s baby daddy) with such a ferocious vengeance… “Show me a 19 or 22 year old kid, and I’ll show you an easy target!”

Oh yeah, in case anyone is thinkin’ of prosecuting ME for lying on the stand, or skirtin’ around legal issues regarding the use of personal email for government business, remember… we’re in Scarah Palin country! They’d willingly set themselves on fire before they come after me. And, everyone in the great state of Alaska certainly knows better by now, yes siree Bab!

Do you think they might rename Tennessee after me? Palinland sounds good, doesn’t it?

©Scarah Palin 2010

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Hello, testing 1,2,3,… Is this thing on?

What's wrong with wearing a little dead animal on my head?

I’ll start by saying that this is my first weby-blogy thing, and I may not have a handle on all the bells and whistles yet, so forgive me if it’s not fancy… it will be soon. At the recommendation of Facebook friends who are members of my group, I decided to try blogging to escape the fb Nazi’s who like to delete my profile for no apparent reason other than I do tend to lean to the left of center. So, grab a beverage, get a snack and enjoy the world according to Scarah:

Hello there to all of my blindly following, devoutly devoted fans. And, to the few of you who have no idea who I am (because literally tens of, well, tens, already do) let me introduce myself. I’m Scarah Palin, and I’m out to spread the real word about why baggers, religious zealots, and far-right wingnuts love their fearful leader. Nothing and everything I say is true, and absolutely nothing I say is sanctified by anyone or everyone, but it’s all believable. Why? Well, let me explain.

Who would have believed that a fanatically religious (Charismatic Pentecostal), short-term hockey mom, runner-up beauty pageant contestant, Mayor of the middle of nowhere, Governor of few, champion of animal cruelty, environmental rapist, trampoline stealing woman would have been plucked out of obscurity… overlooking all the truly qualified and intelligent women in the political arena, to run for Vice President, if they hadn’t seen it with their own eyes? No one. If we hadn’t witnessed it first-hand, we would have thought she was a poorly-written character from a made-for-television movie produced by Fux. But, sadly it was true.

Who would have believed that this person (who we now know is a real person) would take her sad little bible thumping dog and pony show on the road, campaigning harder after losing than she did while she still had an office to campaign for? No one. Losers usually go home.

Who would have thought that a person who brought a Pentecostal Reverend from Kenya to cast spells to protect her from witchcraft, parades her children around like stage props (after abandoning her five-month-old special needs baby for the campaign trail), admits to knowing nothing about her pregnant teenage daughter’s sexual activity (after allowing her boyfriend to live with her family), and routinely stands in front of crowds to lie and misconstrue the actions of our President to the point of what should be considered sedition, would actually be able to build a huge following? No one with even one working brain cell, that’s who. No one.

Given all of the hard-to-swallow, fact is stranger than fiction, delusional thinking that led to her popularity with the simple minded and ill-informed, I decided that someone should be making her real motivations blatantly obvious. I know… it’s another dirty job, but someone’s gotta do it.

So, please check back regularly to find out Scarah’s take on the one who shall remain nameless and let your friends know that there is a voice of reason out there somewhere… clearly not my voice, but somewhere in the world, or perhaps even in America, there are people who realize a lie when they see one walking around in $1,000 Prada boots (didn’t the devil also wear those?); who realize that even when you truly loathe a public personality you can laugh to keep from crying; and know full-well that pageant walking and quirky winking do NOT a political leader make.

As always, blowin’ kisses and wavin’ like a pageant queen,
Much Love, Scarah Palin

©Scarah Palin 2010

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Introducing “Palintology”!

Wailin' for the rupture, I mean rapture! image: Associated Press

I’m so excited! I’m working on forming a new branch of waaaay out religious fanaticism called “Palintology”. It’s gonna a be a new wack-a-doodle branch of Christianity.

As Palintologists, my members will be devout believers who focus on putting religious words in the mouths of our founding fathers, throwing church and state into a big, slicey-dicey blender till the two are all mushed up and nonsensical (kinda like my performances), garble the constitution into almost biblical form, and pray to go back in time!

Honestly now, that Hubbard fellow made a religion based on flyin’ saucers and what-not… and lots of rich folks donate lots of money to belong to it…. oh holy heck.. Tom Cruise! John Travolta! Do you think they’ll convert from Scientology to Palintology? This is just mind boggling. I wonder why I didn’t think of it sooner? My dear baggers will be rubbin’ elbows with the rich and famous, and mostly showered and shaved.

Oh, now for the really important stuff:  I can’t wait to rewrite the bible and the constitution all into ONE BIG BOOK! I’ve got a holy ghost rider, I mean writer, workin’ on it as we speak! And, of course, I’m thinkin’ up the tithing schedule for the devoutly misguided. The $12 million I’ve earned so far from my performances is going to be nothing in comparison to this scheme, I mean idea, I mean Godly inspiration!

Jesus, JESUS! Get down here right now and throw me some fancy words!

©Scarah Palin 2010

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