Well, if you listen to me talk (and I don’t recommend it unless you’re partial to having your ears ring for days afterwards) you’d have to be one smart cookie to understand what in the heck I’m saying. I tell ya’, from one minute to the next, I could be sayin’ just about anything, or something… but mostly some other stuff too. I mean, have you ever read a transcript of one of my performances? (I used to call them speeches, but I don’t really think they qualify.) Anywho, if you have, you probably noticed that I kinda meander, and chop up sentences there, and say stuff that just sort of flies outta nowhere. Really, reading one of my skits might make you think someone followed a toddler around with a dictaphone machine and transcribed everything she said. And you’d almost be right!
And that’s not all. I make up my own words as I go along. Words like “nookulur” and “EYE-rack” (two syllables in that one) and of course “betcha” and “dontcha”. I’ve got enough book deals lined up to keep my ghost riders, I mean writers, busy for quite awhile now, but with the mincemeat pie EEEnglush that I spew, I could write my own dictionary… and don’t sit there a shiverin’ like you’ve been eelektra-kewtud, because I just might do that, also too!
So now, you’d think that with all my mastery of words that the lamestreamers would believe everything I say, but they don’t. No matter how smart I sound, or what kind of stuff I make up, they find a way to make me look stupid. Yep, it’s true. They’re always wise-crackin’ about things like “fact-checking” and “research”. Well, to me, that’s missing the entire point! Why would I fact check when none of that kinda stuff really matters? When I’m being paid $100,000 a pop just for showing up? When my gigs usually earn me sooo much money that it averages out to about $200 a word? Who cares what I’m sayin’ as long as I look all smirky and snarky while I’m bashing Obamer? And who cares if the liberal elitists (like mean ol’ Keith Olbermann) trash my shows? Certainly not me!
This is how I see it: I’ve got the conservaturds and religious fanatics paying me to show off. I’ve got the liberals and lefties all wee-wee’d up over hating everything I say. While here I am…right in the middle gettin’ richer than, oh I don’t know, almost anyone. And they say I’m the idiot? Even though I’ve also admitted that I’m not the sharpest harpoon on the Whaler…. I’m stupid all the way to the bank. And at the end of the day, isn’t that really what matters? Oh, you better believe it is!
©Scarah Palin 2010