Well, I guess everyone knows by now that my ghost rider, I mean writer, finished my new book and it’s gonna hit the shelves in November. I’m so excited about that because it means more money and fame for me! I just never get tired of making so much money for doing nothing there but wavin’ my fists and wisecracking about Obamer. Only in America!
So, my new book is gonna be called “Hypocrite By Heart: Reflections on Leaving my Family, and Force-feeding my Faith while wrapped in a Flag.” It’s gonna sell as well as my last one “Going Mental” did, and I’m gonna make sure of it just like I did before when I made Scarah PAC buy over half the published copies. It’s just better than leavin’ things to chance. I mean, who wants to wait on real sales stats when you can just fudge the numbers yourself? Good ol’ American ingenuity, yep, that’s it.
So, this one will profoundly affect my readers. My ghost riders worked really hard to be all mushy and sentimental… that’s how you can tell I didn’t write a word of it. It’s all about stuff that moves me (all the way to the bank), stuff that inspired me (all the way to the bank), and memories I’ve made (of drivin’ to the bank). It’s all the things that my adoring, mindless followers will drool over, and you know I love it when they drool…(I’m sure you can guess why).
Well, as if all that isn’t enough, it looks like we have another “writer” in the Palin clan! Since my books are selling so well, Toad wants in on the action. We’re working on hiring him a ghost rider also too. He has his book all planned out. Since I did so well with “Going Mental”, he wants to name his book “Going Commando”. Toad says he thinks it’s going to have broad appeal to snowmobile riders and men who don’t like their “boys” constricted. I’m not sure what he means by that, but I trust him. Toad is a pretty smart dude!
Now, I’m such an industrious money-makin’ machine that I already have my third book in the works, and the second one hasn’t even hit the shelves yet! Wanna hear about it? I knew you would.
It’s gonna be called “A Mother’s Guide to Field Dressing”. I wanted to share all the tender moments we have there in our huge, values-filled family. I mean, what could be more bonding than taking your kids to kill things? Flying in a helicopter over majestic wildlife and shooting them with great big guns while we watch the snow run red with blood; Gutting a still-warm mother caribou as her babies run in terror through the wilderness crying in fear; Telling the little ones about the time I had to stalk a wounded moose for over five miles to get in that final kill shot. It’s going to warm the hearts and warp the minds of families everywhere. I just hope your kids are tougher than mine. I know at least 11 of mine had nightmares over those stories, but they got over it, and see how well they all turned out?
So, save your money (other than donations to Scarah PAC) for November when my new book comes out. And, remember to be on the lookout for the third one. It’ll be chock-full of great bedtime stories for the kiddos! I know all you moms out there wanna be Mother of the Year material just like me, dont’cha?
©Scarah Palin 2010