Now, I know that the “Swearing In” thingy is an American tradition when it comes to new presidents, but it’s very boring. And, as much as I love to talk about the founding fathers as if they were my close personal friends (mostly just shoving words in their mouths to suit my own agenda there), no disrespect to them, but I’m gonna shake things up a bit when I get elected in 2012.
I know, I know… you’re saying “Scarah, you haven’t even committed to running in 2012. How do you know you’re going to get to do the movey shakey thingy?” And, I’m guessing you know the answer to that already, right? Of course you do…. God told me so. I talked to him just last night on a three-way (call that is) with Jesus. I had them both on my poor-man’s Blackberry (my right hand) in conference mode. God told me that he’s tired of throwin’ out lamps to light my path, and Jesus was holding that door open for me to run but he’s got a few other things to attend to, so they just went ahead and gave me the go ahead. So, now I know it’s official.
You see, in my master plan, I get to keep all the money in Scarah PAC (be sure to keep writin’ those big fat checks) and my dear baggers would make an official bona fide political party to pay for my ascent to the throne, I mean White House.
But, to get back to my shakin’ things up there… I’m foregoing the Swearing In ceremony. Besides the boring aspect, I’m Pentecostal and we don’t swear. So I’m having a real-live, first time ever, Coronation! That’s right! I’ve already got some Queenly designers (not the gay type, the royal type) working on designing my gown. It’s gonna be huge, sparkly, and even poofier than my hair! I’m thinking rhinestones, sequins, bugle beads, and lots of Taffeta or maybe Organza, and a 40 ft. long silk train. My coronation is going to make Princess Diana’s royal wedding look like a hoe-down (literally).
So, if there are any entertainers that haven’t made fun of me, and made their way onto my list by then, I’ll have a huge extravaganza. All 25, or 19, or 11, or however many kids I have by then will be all dressed up (I’ll pardon the ones that might be in jail) and Toad will have a fancy Tuxedo. It will be the biggest gala in American history.
Now, I know that this is a departure from the constitution or some thingy somewhere that tells what’s supposed to be done when someone gets elected Big Kahuna. But, I also know that the founding fathers never had anyone like me in mind when they wrote that, no siree Bab! They never saw me coming.