Holy Technology

Well, here I am with all of my holy gadgets. Now, I’m usually not even the least bit concerned about seeming hypocritical… but in this case I thought it might be obvious, even to my dear simpleminded baggers, that since I made so much fun of Obama for using that rich-man’s technology thingy there, the teleprompter…. I couldn’t use one either.

So, after all the lamestream media hoopla over my palm scribbles, I had to come up with a quick reason for lookin’ so stupid there. And, what’s my never-fail fallback when I get caught in a sticky situation with my lunacy showin’? You got it… God. There he was, again. Him and Jesus throwin’ all those lights around and floppin’ open that Bible for me to grab onto like a life-preserver in a frozen lake! I’m always amazed at how that Bible comes in handy, you betcha. Anything I do, no matter how vengeful, mean-spirited or just plain dumb it is… I can find a quote for it there. I think that’s why Jesus and God wrote it. Kinda like how the founding fathers wrote all that “We The People” stuff. Why, I can find a quote by Thomas Jefferson to prove or disprove, or just confuse, almost anything I think, by golly! Bein’ a God-fearing Christian American is just so convenient!

Anyhoo, so now I have ALL my technology sanctified by God Almighty. I’ve got my poor-man’s teleprompter there (my left hand), my poor-man’s Blackberry (my right hand), and my poor-man’s GPS system (my feet).

Now, you might be askin’ “Scarah, what the holy heck are you all poor-man’s this and poor-man’s that about? You’re surely not poor!” And, you’d be right! I’m not. Not by a long shot. So, here’s the reason behind it:

I have to work really hard to keep my baggers screamin’ things like “She’s just like us” and “She feels our pain over something or other, who knows what, but something”.. If they stop thinkin’ I’m just like them, they might not be so eager to cut me those big fat checks that I love so much. I couldn’t let that happen. I keep my duelin’ Blackberry’s, my three or four cell phones (we’re on the “Waaaay-Extended Family Plan), and all of my other helpful gadgets tucked away in my custom-designed bra and my Fendi purse.. oh and in a little zipper pocket built into the side of all of my $1,000 boots. It takes a lot of work to act all folksy and down-to earth, but holy heck, am I good at it or what?

The only thing I couldn’t think of a poor-man’s namey thingy for was my Facebook page. I guess since it’s free for awhile anyway, poor folks do get to use it just like I do… but of course, I get to call my friends “fans”. And gosh darnit, that makes ’em feel important. It does. Jesus told me so…. on my poor-man’s satellite dish connection to the heavenly host, yes siree Bab.

┬ęScarah Palin 2010

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One Response to Holy Technology

  1. Jesus Fuggincripes says:

    Yea Scarah speaketh the truth. For she and her followers shalst ride through the skies in first-class luxury. They shalt not squinch into coach, neither shalst they be humiliated in business class, by the tyrants of stewards who serve. Theirs ist the kindom of first-class. With creamy leather seats that get a good cleaning once in a while. They shall be regaled with fine wines and soda. The Lord’s banquet shalst be laid before them on plasticware from Dixie ™. They shalst enjoy movies and dancing women as well as the curtains of mystery and hash-pipes and shit. Verily. She ropeth the poor into contributions for the wealthy. She speaketh for the poorly-spoken and mute. She walketh out early on the job because she be fucking tired of work. And though she speaketh in the paths of righteousness, no logic shalst touch her radiant Halo of lunchmeats. She ist the mother of the father of the sons of victory, or somefuckinghow related anyway. This we pray.

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