I'm probably a little more like Dubya Bush that Willie Shakespeare, but who's counting anyway?

Well, I guess by now everyone out their has herd about my refudiation of the NAACP, and Obamer and his wife (what’s-her-name). Now, I rote about my fantabulous command of the English langwig in one of my other blob, I mean blog posts, a few weaks back, and I even threatened, I mean offered to right my own dictuary. I’m shur everyone was laffin it up at the time. But, guess hoo got the last laff? That’s write, ME and ol’ Willie Shakespeare, that’s who.

So, for anybody out they’re thinkin’ that “refudiate” is my only confribulution to this living langwig of are’s, here are a few more perils of wisdom:

Liebrul: lie-bur-rul (noun, I think)
Yep, this is a real commonsense conservaturd word for those lying lefties.

Audacideny: aww-dass-i-den-eye (adjitive)
When the lamestream media has the audaciny to deny what I say. Something close to refudiating, also too.

Constupidicy: con-stu-pid-issy (not sure)
The lefty plot to make everything I say look like some idjit said it.

Obamarama: O-bam-er-am-er (verb, or something like that)
When Obama gets us Republican’ts all confused and makes us disagreen with everything he says there, and it turns into something like a circus.

Lamenighters: laym-niit-urs (mean people)
Those not-so-funny folks (that no one watches anyway) who act like I’m God’s gift to stand up hominy.

Hornydog: whore-nee-dog (noun, maybe)
That low-life-never-gonna-be-son-in-law of mine who comes sniffin’ around Bristol just to make me mad, and get magazine interviews.

Welp, that’s it so far. I’m still working on the rest of my fancy words and I’m gonna make another million or seven when I publicate my dictuary and all my simple-mined minions buy it, you’ll see!

I saw that! Don’t you sit they’re shakin’ your head. By golly, you just witlessed history in the makin’. 500 years from now, they’ll still be saying words I made up, and my dumbing down of America Champagne is gonna make sure of it!

It's not what I say, it's how I look...and how much I get paid, of course.

Well, if you listen to me talk (and I don’t recommend it unless you’re partial to having your ears ring for days afterwards) you’d have to be one smart cookie to understand what in the heck I’m saying. I tell ya’, from one minute to the next, I could be sayin’ just about anything, or something… but mostly some other stuff too. I mean, have you ever read a transcript of one of my performances? (I used to call them speeches, but I don’t really think they qualify.) Anywho, if you have, you probably noticed that I kinda meander, and chop up sentences there, and say stuff that just sort of flies outta nowhere. Really, reading one of my skits might make you think someone followed a toddler around with a dictaphone machine and transcribed everything she said. And you’d almost be right!

And that’s not all. I make up my own words as I go along. Words like “nookulur” and “EYE-rack” (two syllables in that one) and of course “betcha” and “dontcha”. I’ve got enough book deals lined up to keep my ghost riders, I mean writers, busy for quite awhile now, but with the mincemeat pie EEEnglush that I spew, I could write my own dictionary… and don’t sit there a shiverin’ like you’ve been eelektra-kewtud, because I just might do that, also too!

So now, you’d think that with all my mastery of words that the lamestreamers would believe everything I say, but they don’t. No matter how smart I sound, or what kind of stuff I make up, they find a way to make me look stupid. Yep, it’s true. They’re always wise-crackin’ about things like “fact-checking” and “research”. Well, to me, that’s missing the entire point! Why would I fact check when none of that kinda stuff really matters? When I’m being paid $100,000 a pop just for showing up? When my gigs usually earn me sooo much money that it averages out to about $200 a word? Who cares what I’m sayin’ as long as I look all smirky and snarky while I’m bashing Obamer? And who cares if the liberal elitists (like mean ol’ Keith Olbermann) trash my shows? Certainly not me!

This is how I see it: I’ve got the conservaturds and religious fanatics paying me to show off. I’ve got the liberals and lefties all wee-wee’d up over hating everything I say. While here I am…right in the middle gettin’ richer than, oh I don’t know, almost anyone. And they say I’m the idiot? Even though I’ve also admitted that I’m not the sharpest harpoon on the Whaler…. I’m stupid all the way to the bank. And at the end of the day, isn’t that really what matters? Oh, you better believe it is!

©Scarah Palin 2010

My lunacy comes straight from the heart... not from an agenda!

Why do those meanie-pants, Godless Liberals always have an agenda? Why is it that the lamestream media is all-fired up and out to get us commonsense conservaturds? You’d think those “gotcha” journalists like Katie Couric, Rachel Maddow, and those two or three others are being paid or something, with the way they go after us. But, who would pay them? God is not on their side, so they’re just doing this stuff to be mean because they have those “agenda” thingys.

Now, I’m not one to point fingers, but agendas only seem to be important to the lying-lefties! No one on MY side (that’s God’s side) has one. We’re all so sure of being right that we just spew whatever is there in our hearts without thinkin’ first, and it works out just fine. Like when Rand Paul said he would have only supported nine-out-of-ten things in the Civil Rights act. Well, I don’t know about you folks, but I don’t see an agenda in that, no siree. That “tenth thing” having to do with businesses not segregating their establishments didn’t really matter anyway, did it? And, when I said I want the government to step in and pass a nationwide ban on gay marriage, that’s not driven by my religious-right agenda, no siree. That’s just me being a fanatical Christian! You could also too look at my sister conservaturds Michelle and Orly for whacky statements and you’d surely find some, but by golly, they’re just as far out there as I am. Their lunacy comes straight from the heart, not an agenda!

What I also hate, is when the lefties go and say things there like “Fux News has an agenda”. It’s like I said on my good friend Jay’s show awhile back, I work for Fux News because they’re fair and balanced! If they had an agenda, it would just get in the way of them tellin’ the truth there…. according to Glen Beckerwood and Sean Insannity, and ME. And, that bevy of bleached-blondes in tight skirts doesn’t serve any kind of agenda either. They’re just there ta’ keep the old white guys comin’ back for more…. no agenda in that, now is there?

So now, the next time you hear anyone who isn’t a good ol’ religious zealot, beltway outsider, multi-millionaire, real American talkin’ from the left of center, you’ll know why… it’s only an agenda. Anyone who isn’t just like me has one, and I know that because God told me so, oh yes he did!

I LOVE doing book signings. My fans are just the classiest people on earth!

Well, I guess everyone knows by now that my ghost rider, I mean writer, finished my new book and it’s gonna hit the shelves in November. I’m so excited about that because it means more money and fame for me! I just never get tired of making so much money for doing nothing there but wavin’ my fists and wisecracking about Obamer. Only in America!

So, my new book is gonna be called “Hypocrite By Heart: Reflections on Leaving my Family, and Force-feeding my Faith while wrapped in a Flag.” It’s gonna sell as well as my last one “Going Mental” did, and I’m gonna make sure of it just like I did before when I made Scarah PAC buy over half the published copies. It’s just better than leavin’ things to chance. I mean, who wants to wait on real sales stats when you can just fudge the numbers yourself? Good ol’ American ingenuity, yep, that’s it.

So, this one will profoundly affect my readers. My ghost riders worked really hard to be all mushy and sentimental… that’s how you can tell I didn’t write a word of it. It’s all about stuff that moves me (all the way to the bank), stuff that inspired me (all the way to the bank), and memories I’ve made (of drivin’ to the bank). It’s all the things that my adoring, mindless followers will drool over, and you know I love it when they drool…(I’m sure you can guess why).

Well, as if all that isn’t enough, it looks like we have another “writer” in the Palin clan! Since my books are selling so well, Toad wants in on the action. We’re working on hiring him a ghost rider also too. He has his book all planned out. Since I did so well with “Going Mental”, he wants to name his book “Going Commando”. Toad says he thinks it’s going to have broad appeal to snowmobile riders and men who don’t like their “boys” constricted. I’m not sure what he means by that, but I trust him. Toad is a pretty smart dude!

Now, I’m such an industrious money-makin’ machine that I already have my third book in the works, and the second one hasn’t even hit the shelves yet! Wanna hear about it? I knew you would.

It’s gonna be called “A Mother’s Guide to Field Dressing”. I wanted to share all the tender moments we have there in our huge, values-filled family. I mean, what could be more bonding than taking your kids to kill things? Flying in a helicopter over majestic wildlife and shooting them with great big guns while we watch the snow run red with blood; Gutting a still-warm mother caribou as her babies run in terror through the wilderness crying in fear; Telling the little ones about the time I had to stalk a wounded moose for over five miles to get in that final kill shot. It’s going to warm the hearts and warp the minds of families everywhere. I just hope your kids are tougher than mine. I know at least 11 of mine had nightmares over those stories, but they got over it, and see how well they all turned out?

So, save your money (other than donations to Scarah PAC) for November when my new book comes out. And, remember to be on the lookout for the third one. It’ll be chock-full of great bedtime stories for the kiddos! I know all you moms out there wanna be Mother of the Year material just like me, dont’cha?

©Scarah Palin 2010

Now don’t even ask, because I won’t show my contract or tell how much I was paid to say anything or endorse anybody, but it’s always been clear as the writing on my hand that I follow the money trail… wherever it might lead. I’ll go anywhere, say anything, and act as stupid as I have to in order to keep those big fat checks coming in to Scarah PAC. At this point, I’m only surprised that my sheeple are surprised!

Now, I made sure to let them know that they’re only mad because they need more information, and I surely gave it to them. But, some of them still haven’t apologized, so I might have to block them. It’s just better that way. We don’t want my Facebook page to start seeming like a place where free speech by anyone other than me is accepted. So, let’s get this straight right now. Dissent among the rank and file will not be tolerated, no sirree Bab!

When I’m elected Queen in 2012, I’m gonna run my, I mean our, entire country from right there on Facebook. I’ll just post all my commands, and then I’ll have flunkies go and do my bidding. And I have good reasons to do so. As I’m sure many of you have realized by now, I choose to run my mouth, I mean post my opinions, on Facebook and Twitter because it’s sooo much better for me to attack, I mean educate in a format where no one who knows anything can make direct comments at me. Really, what do I care if the lame stream media gets to read my posts and write stupid things after the fact? I get to have my ghost riders, I mean writers, say my peace and I walk away without ever having to answer to anyone! No gotcha journalists, and no smarty-pantses like Katie Couric. So, if I want to tell Obamer what to do, insult his decisions, call his followers names, and attack anybody at anytime, I can. And, no one can stop me. Its the perfect forum for someone like me who will not debate, answer intelligent questions, or take any kind of criticism!

So, when you log in there a few hours from now and find that all those troublemakers who don’t agree to vote for the candidate I’m tellin’em to vote for (whether they like it or not) have chosen to leave my fan site, and all their snarky little comments have been deleted, don’t be surprised. It’s MY safe haven, not theirs, and I intend to keep it that way, you betcha!

©Scarah Palin 2010

I want one like this, but poofier. And, I want the train longer, and I want more rhinestones!

Now, I know that the “Swearing In” thingy is an American tradition when it comes to new presidents, but it’s very boring. And, as much as I love to talk about the founding fathers as if they were my close personal friends (mostly just shoving words in their mouths to suit my own agenda there), no disrespect to them, but I’m gonna shake things up a bit when I get elected in 2012.

I know, I know… you’re saying “Scarah, you haven’t even committed to running in 2012. How do you know you’re going to get to do the movey shakey thingy?” And, I’m guessing you know the answer to that already, right? Of course you do…. God told me so. I talked to him just last night on a three-way (call that is) with Jesus. I had them both on my poor-man’s Blackberry (my right hand) in conference mode. God told me that he’s tired of throwin’ out lamps to light my path, and Jesus was holding that door open for me to run but he’s got a few other things to attend to, so they just went ahead and gave me the go ahead. So, now I know it’s official.

You see, in my master plan, I get to keep all the money in Scarah PAC (be sure to keep writin’ those big fat checks) and my dear baggers would make an official bona fide political party to pay for my ascent to the throne, I mean White House.

But, to get back to my shakin’ things up there… I’m foregoing the Swearing In ceremony. Besides the boring aspect, I’m Pentecostal and we don’t swear. So I’m having a real-live, first time ever, Coronation! That’s right! I’ve already got some Queenly designers (not the gay type, the royal type) working on designing my gown. It’s gonna be huge, sparkly, and even poofier than my hair! I’m thinking rhinestones, sequins, bugle beads, and lots of Taffeta or maybe Organza, and a 40 ft. long silk train. My coronation is going to make Princess Diana’s royal wedding look like a hoe-down (literally).

So, if there are any entertainers that haven’t made fun of me, and made their way onto my list by then, I’ll have a huge extravaganza. All 25, or 19, or 11, or however many kids I have by then will be all dressed up (I’ll pardon the ones that might be in jail) and Toad will have a fancy Tuxedo. It will be the biggest gala in American history.

Now, I know that this is a departure from the constitution or some thingy somewhere that tells what’s supposed to be done when someone gets elected Big Kahuna. But, I also know that the founding fathers never had anyone like me in mind when they wrote that, no siree Bab! They never saw me coming.

So, I made sure to tell all the fearful baggers, wingnuts and violent Christians how thankful I am to them there, for clinging to things (and for makin’ me rich). Like drowning rats clinging to swirling leaves, there they are clinging to guns, bibles and all the fear I can instill in only 45 minutes. I mean, to me, the fear of having their eardrums rupture from the fingernails on a chalkboard effect of my voice would be enough, but thankfully for me, it’s wasn’t. They wanted more! So, of course, I threw in a few good jabs (the same old ones):
• Lamestream media thinkin’ I’m an idiot (go figure)
• Unfunded mandates (whatever those are)
• Giving America back to the people who ruined it (because commonsense says we need more of that)
• Letting the private sector do what it does best (because insurance companies should be able to say who lives or dies, right?)
• Throwing the environment under the bus in the name of freedom and prosperity, and
• Yaaaawwwnnn… oops, sorry for that. (I’ve blabbed these same things so many times I’m even boring myself!)

Anyhoo, I think the strongest point I made was my refusal to back down on my “spill, baby, spill”… I mean “drill, baby, drill” mantra. As that Deepwater Horizon oil rig was exploding, and folks were scared for their lives… even as the second cap blew and the ocean filled with crude petroleum, there I was saying how God himself had “developed resources to responsibly extract here in the U.S.” And, as dusturbed as it sounds, gosh darnit I meant it!

Really, all of God’s little creations like the Gulf Coast shoreline, marine mammals, water fowl, and ocean life, along with all the fishermen, and everything on down there to the ocean floor, can see how responsible God is, right? And, ruining everything he made for us on this planet is just A-OK with him as long as I say it is! So, Forget BP and Halliburton. This is really all about God (and me). I know that anytime I throw mention of God into the mix there, it makes everything peachy-keen and it shows we’re in good company, darn tootin’ it does!

So, to all the baggers, thumpers, birthers and gun toters out there, I say thank you, God bless you, and keep on clingin’! You’re makin’ me rich and that’s just the way God wants it, you betcha!

©Scarah Palin 2010

So, after all the lamestream media hoopla over my palm scribbles, I had to come up with a quick reason for lookin’ so stupid there. And, what’s my never-fail fallback when I get caught in a sticky situation with my lunacy showin’? You got it… God. There he was, again. Him and Jesus throwin’ all those lights around and floppin’ open that Bible for me to grab onto like a life-preserver in a frozen lake! I’m always amazed at how that Bible comes in handy, you betcha. Anything I do, no matter how vengeful, mean-spirited or just plain dumb it is… I can find a quote for it there. I think that’s why Jesus and God wrote it. Kinda like how the founding fathers wrote all that “We The People” stuff. Why, I can find a quote by Thomas Jefferson to prove or disprove, or just confuse, almost anything I think, by golly! Bein’ a God-fearing Christian American is just so convenient!

Anyhoo, so now I have ALL my technology sanctified by God Almighty. I’ve got my poor-man’s teleprompter there (my left hand), my poor-man’s Blackberry (my right hand), and my poor-man’s GPS system (my feet).

Now, you might be askin’ “Scarah, what the holy heck are you all poor-man’s this and poor-man’s that about? You’re surely not poor!” And, you’d be right! I’m not. Not by a long shot. So, here’s the reason behind it:

I have to work really hard to keep my baggers screamin’ things like “She’s just like us” and “She feels our pain over something or other, who knows what, but something”.. If they stop thinkin’ I’m just like them, they might not be so eager to cut me those big fat checks that I love so much. I couldn’t let that happen. I keep my duelin’ Blackberry’s, my three or four cell phones (we’re on the “Waaaay-Extended Family Plan), and all of my other helpful gadgets tucked away in my custom-designed bra and my Fendi purse.. oh and in a little zipper pocket built into the side of all of my $1,000 boots. It takes a lot of work to act all folksy and down-to earth, but holy heck, am I good at it or what?

The only thing I couldn’t think of a poor-man’s namey thingy for was my Facebook page. I guess since it’s free for awhile anyway, poor folks do get to use it just like I do… but of course, I get to call my friends “fans”. And gosh darnit, that makes ‘em feel important. It does. Jesus told me so…. on my poor-man’s satellite dish connection to the heavenly host, yes siree Bab.

©Scarah Palin 2010

As hard as it is to be “Our Lady of the Perpetually Offended”, I can always make it work to my advantage. But, gosh darnit, every time I turn around there’s somebody not likin’ me, or prankin’ me, or sayin’ I got the liberals all wee-wee’d up over something, or makin’ a mean video of me, or there’s some TV show host talkin’ about how stupid I am… it just never ends! I just wish I could put ‘em all on a big map there, with crosshairs and tell all of my Palinbots to “reload”. That’d show’em, but I already played the reload card.

So, now I’m just starting Scarah’s List of Shame. Everybody who makes me mad is going on the list there, and I’m gonna have one of my entourage post it on my Facebook page.

I’m not gonna even bother putting that Socialist, Fascist, Marxist, Nazi, Liberal Obama on the list. It’d take up an entire book there just to list his offenses against me… especially after he had the nerve to question my authority on nookular technology. How dare him? I just hate it when I attack and they get to attack back!

So now, these are just some of the names I have so far, along with the reasons why God wants me to hate ‘em:
• David Letterman – For being a ugly meanie old pervert
• Jimmy Kimmel – For making fun of me too many times to count (more than ten)
• Chris Matthews – For calling me an “empty vessel” (my vessel has been filled more times than Octomom’s, by golly)
• Alan Grayson – For calling me a “wild Alaskan Dingbat” (I shoot those things when they fly over)
• Keith Olbermann – For saying I tell lies, and making fun of Palintology
• Rahm Emanuel – Don’t get me started… really, don’t
• Tina Fey – For being prettier and smarter than me when she’s being me
• Betty White – For calling me a “crazy bitch”
• Jennifer Lopez – For calling me a “la cabrona” (also means crazy bitch)
• Rachel Maddow – For saying I have “misguided talking points” (I’m guided by God Almighty)
• That swishy boy on YouTube – For imitating me in an ugly wig and cheap shoes
• And anybody who makes up a funny song about me

Now, just be sure you like me and don’t make fun of me, or I’ll have your name slapped on my Facebook page faster than you can say “nailin pailin”, you betcha I will!

(I heard that… you said “nailin palin”. That’s IT. You’re on my list!)

©Scarah Palin 2010

Let's just try NOT to be smarter than a first grader.

Well, I know one thing for sure (I think)…Obama might be known for being a Columbia University, Harvard Law-educated, smarty-pants, but as far as I know, he doesn’t have an “Effect” named after him! So there!

Everyone everywhere is running around all bothered by “The Scarah Palin Effect”. My name will go down in history, and probably be studied in school textbooks (in Texas) as being the person who led somebody or did something, and that’s no little thing! Here’s what one Professor said about me:

“A close association between conservative, reactionary politics and religion is driving better educated Americans away from church, what Scott Schieman calls “the Sarah Palin effect.” - The Catholic Register

I say who needs the “better educated” in church? Aren’t they just question-askin’ troublemakers anyway? Good riddance as far as I’m concerned, and I know you think the same way, dont’cha?

So, when my 30 minutes of fame is over, and they write about me, and I know they will because they already do, I hope they include stories about how I made it a commonplace cultural activity to mock the educated. I want them to tell how I thumbed my nose at higher learning in place of good old commonsense conservaturdism; how I spread my garbled and unintelligible version of the bible and the constitution to the angry and uniformed masses; and how I got paid millions to spew angry zingers like “hopey-changey” and “death panels” and how I talked about imaginary branches of government. Darn-tootin’ I do! Those things are important accomplishments and I’m stickin’ by ‘em! I am!

Now here’s my solemn promise to the baggers, the Wal-Mart shoppers, and all you folks in trailer parks all over this great nation of ours:

When I’m elected Queen, I mean President, in 2012, I fully intend to keep the dumbing-down of America in full-swing as long as I’m able to do so.

By the time I’m finished spreadin’ the “Scarah Palin Effect” all over this wonderful nation, there won’t be a need for programs like No Child Left Behind. It’ll just be called No Child Taught to Read. But, dont’cha worry one little bit about that, no siree. My kids can’t read and look how fabulous they’re all doin’!

And just know that when Scarah makes a promise, you can bank on it! Speakin’ of which, have you written a big fat check to Scarah PAC lately? If not, get out that pen! Right now!

©Scarah Palin 2010