Refudiated Constupidicy, and Other Palinisms

I'm probably a little more like Dubya Bush that Willie Shakespeare, but who's counting anyway?

Well, I guess by now everyone out their has herd about my refudiation of the NAACP, and Obamer and his wife (what’s-her-name). Now, I rote about my fantabulous command of the English langwig in one of my other blob, I mean blog posts, a few weaks back, and I even threatened, I mean offered to right my own dictuary. I’m shur everyone was laffin it up at the time. But, guess hoo got the last laff? That’s write, ME and ol’ Willie Shakespeare, that’s who.

So, for anybody out they’re thinkin’ that “refudiate” is my only confribulution to this living langwig of are’s, here are a few more perils of wisdom:

Liebrul: lie-bur-rul (noun, I think)
Yep, this is a real commonsense conservaturd word for those lying lefties.

Audacideny: aww-dass-i-den-eye (adjitive)
When the lamestream media has the audaciny to deny what I say. Something close to refudiating, also too.

Constupidicy: con-stu-pid-issy (not sure)
The lefty plot to make everything I say look like some idjit said it.

Obamarama: O-bam-er-am-er (verb, or something like that)
When Obama gets us Republican’ts all confused and makes us disagreen with everything he says there, and it turns into something like a circus.

Lamenighters: laym-niit-urs (mean people)
Those not-so-funny folks (that no one watches anyway) who act like I’m God’s gift to stand up hominy.

Hornydog: whore-nee-dog (noun, maybe)
That low-life-never-gonna-be-son-in-law of mine who comes sniffin’ around Bristol just to make me mad, and get magazine interviews.

Welp, that’s it so far. I’m still working on the rest of my fancy words and I’m gonna make another million or seven when I publicate my dictuary and all my simple-mined minions buy it, you’ll see!

I saw that! Don’t you sit they’re shakin’ your head. By golly, you just witlessed history in the makin’. 500 years from now, they’ll still be saying words I made up, and my dumbing down of America Champagne is gonna make sure of it!

OK, I’m the idiot…

It's not what I say, it's how I look...and how much I get paid, of course.

Well, if you listen to me talk (and I don’t recommend it unless you’re partial to having your ears ring for days afterwards) you’d have to be one smart cookie to understand what in the heck I’m saying. I tell ya’, from one minute to the next, I could be sayin’ just about anything, or something… but mostly some other stuff too. I mean, have you ever read a transcript of one of my performances? (I used to call them speeches, but I don’t really think they qualify.) Anywho, if you have, you probably noticed that I kinda meander, and chop up sentences there, and say stuff that just sort of flies outta nowhere. Really, reading one of my skits might make you think someone followed a toddler around with a dictaphone machine and transcribed everything she said. And you’d almost be right!

And that’s not all. I make up my own words as I go along. Words like “nookulur” and “EYE-rack” (two syllables in that one) and of course “betcha” and “dontcha”. I’ve got enough book deals lined up to keep my ghost riders, I mean writers, busy for quite awhile now, but with the mincemeat pie EEEnglush that I spew, I could write my own dictionary… and don’t sit there a shiverin’ like you’ve been eelektra-kewtud, because I just might do that, also too!

So now, you’d think that with all my mastery of words that the lamestreamers would believe everything I say, but they don’t. No matter how smart I sound, or what kind of stuff I make up, they find a way to make me look stupid. Yep, it’s true. They’re always wise-crackin’ about things like “fact-checking” and “research”. Well, to me, that’s missing the entire point! Why would I fact check when none of that kinda stuff really matters? When I’m being paid $100,000 a pop just for showing up? When my gigs usually earn me sooo much money that it averages out to about $200 a word? Who cares what I’m sayin’ as long as I look all smirky and snarky while I’m bashing Obamer? And who cares if the liberal elitists (like mean ol’ Keith Olbermann) trash my shows? Certainly not me!

This is how I see it: I’ve got the conservaturds and religious fanatics paying me to show off. I’ve got the liberals and lefties all wee-wee’d up over hating everything I say. While here I am…right in the middle gettin’ richer than, oh I don’t know, almost anyone. And they say I’m the idiot? Even though I’ve also admitted that I’m not the sharpest harpoon on the Whaler…. I’m stupid all the way to the bank. And at the end of the day, isn’t that really what matters? Oh, you better believe it is!

©Scarah Palin 2010

Oh, Those Nasty Agendas!

My lunacy comes straight from the heart... not from an agenda!

Why do those meanie-pants, Godless Liberals always have an agenda? Why is it that the lamestream media is all-fired up and out to get us commonsense conservaturds? You’d think those “gotcha” journalists like Katie Couric, Rachel Maddow, and those two or three others are being paid or something, with the way they go after us. But, who would pay them? God is not on their side, so they’re just doing this stuff to be mean because they have those “agenda” thingys.

Now, I’m not one to point fingers, but agendas only seem to be important to the lying-lefties! No one on MY side (that’s God’s side) has one. We’re all so sure of being right that we just spew whatever is there in our hearts without thinkin’ first, and it works out just fine. Like when Rand Paul said he would have only supported nine-out-of-ten things in the Civil Rights act. Well, I don’t know about you folks, but I don’t see an agenda in that, no siree. That “tenth thing” having to do with businesses not segregating their establishments didn’t really matter anyway, did it? And, when I said I want the government to step in and pass a nationwide ban on gay marriage, that’s not driven by my religious-right agenda, no siree. That’s just me being a fanatical Christian! You could also too look at my sister conservaturds Michelle and Orly for whacky statements and you’d surely find some, but by golly, they’re just as far out there as I am. Their lunacy comes straight from the heart, not an agenda!

What I also hate, is when the lefties go and say things there like “Fux News has an agenda”. It’s like I said on my good friend Jay’s show awhile back, I work for Fux News because they’re fair and balanced! If they had an agenda, it would just get in the way of them tellin’ the truth there…. according to Glen Beckerwood and Sean Insannity, and ME. And, that bevy of bleached-blondes in tight skirts doesn’t serve any kind of agenda either. They’re just there ta’ keep the old white guys comin’ back for more…. no agenda in that, now is there?

So now, the next time you hear anyone who isn’t a good ol’ religious zealot, beltway outsider, multi-millionaire, real American talkin’ from the left of center, you’ll know why… it’s only an agenda. Anyone who isn’t just like me has one, and I know that because God told me so, oh yes he did!

New Books From My Ghost Rider

I LOVE doing book signings. My fans are just the classiest people on earth!

Well, I guess everyone knows by now that my ghost rider, I mean writer, finished my new book and it’s gonna hit the shelves in November. I’m so excited about that because it means more money and fame for me! I just never get tired of making so much money for doing nothing there but wavin’ my fists and wisecracking about Obamer. Only in America!

So, my new book is gonna be called “Hypocrite By Heart: Reflections on Leaving my Family, and Force-feeding my Faith while wrapped in a Flag.” It’s gonna sell as well as my last one “Going Mental” did, and I’m gonna make sure of it just like I did before when I made Scarah PAC buy over half the published copies. It’s just better than leavin’ things to chance. I mean, who wants to wait on real sales stats when you can just fudge the numbers yourself? Good ol’ American ingenuity, yep, that’s it.

So, this one will profoundly affect my readers. My ghost riders worked really hard to be all mushy and sentimental… that’s how you can tell I didn’t write a word of it. It’s all about stuff that moves me (all the way to the bank), stuff that inspired me (all the way to the bank), and memories I’ve made (of drivin’ to the bank). It’s all the things that my adoring, mindless followers will drool over, and you know I love it when they drool…(I’m sure you can guess why).

Well, as if all that isn’t enough, it looks like we have another “writer” in the Palin clan! Since my books are selling so well, Toad wants in on the action. We’re working on hiring him a ghost rider also too. He has his book all planned out. Since I did so well with “Going Mental”, he wants to name his book “Going Commando”. Toad says he thinks it’s going to have broad appeal to snowmobile riders and men who don’t like their “boys” constricted. I’m not sure what he means by that, but I trust him. Toad is a pretty smart dude!

Now, I’m such an industrious money-makin’ machine that I already have my third book in the works, and the second one hasn’t even hit the shelves yet! Wanna hear about it? I knew you would.

It’s gonna be called “A Mother’s Guide to Field Dressing”. I wanted to share all the tender moments we have there in our huge, values-filled family. I mean, what could be more bonding than taking your kids to kill things? Flying in a helicopter over majestic wildlife and shooting them with great big guns while we watch the snow run red with blood; Gutting a still-warm mother caribou as her babies run in terror through the wilderness crying in fear; Telling the little ones about the time I had to stalk a wounded moose for over five miles to get in that final kill shot. It’s going to warm the hearts and warp the minds of families everywhere. I just hope your kids are tougher than mine. I know at least 11 of mine had nightmares over those stories, but they got over it, and see how well they all turned out?

So, save your money (other than donations to Scarah PAC) for November when my new book comes out. And, remember to be on the lookout for the third one. It’ll be chock-full of great bedtime stories for the kiddos! I know all you moms out there wanna be Mother of the Year material just like me, dont’cha?

©Scarah Palin 2010

My Last Safe Haven

Well, I guess I finally did it. I always thought I could get away with anything on my Facebook page. So much so, that I called it my “safe haven”. I mean, I’ve said some pretty ridiculous things there, like “Obama’s death panel could kill my Down Syndrome baby,” and “Don’t Retreat, Reload!” (accompanied by my famous crosshairs map), and “Global Warming is a Snow Job” (and I know snow jobs, that’s for sure). So, I guess when I chose to endorse Carly Fiorina for that California Senate seaty thingy, instead of that Chuck person my baggers wanted me to endorse, it did come as a shock to me that my mindless, blindly following Palinbots would rise up and challenge me. How could they?

Now don’t even ask, because I won’t show my contract or tell how much I was paid to say anything or endorse anybody, but it’s always been clear as the writing on my hand that I follow the money trail… wherever it might lead. I’ll go anywhere, say anything, and act as stupid as I have to in order to keep those big fat checks coming in to Scarah PAC. At this point, I’m only surprised that my sheeple are surprised!

Now, I made sure to let them know that they’re only mad because they need more information, and I surely gave it to them. But, some of them still haven’t apologized, so I might have to block them. It’s just better that way. We don’t want my Facebook page to start seeming like a place where free speech by anyone other than me is accepted. So, let’s get this straight right now. Dissent among the rank and file will not be tolerated, no sirree Bab!

When I’m elected Queen in 2012, I’m gonna run my, I mean our, entire country from right there on Facebook. I’ll just post all my commands, and then I’ll have flunkies go and do my bidding. And I have good reasons to do so. As I’m sure many of you have realized by now, I choose to run my mouth, I mean post my opinions, on Facebook and Twitter because it’s sooo much better for me to attack, I mean educate in a format where no one who knows anything can make direct comments at me. Really, what do I care if the lame stream media gets to read my posts and write stupid things after the fact? I get to have my ghost riders, I mean writers, say my peace and I walk away without ever having to answer to anyone! No gotcha journalists, and no smarty-pantses like Katie Couric. So, if I want to tell Obamer what to do, insult his decisions, call his followers names, and attack anybody at anytime, I can. And, no one can stop me. Its the perfect forum for someone like me who will not debate, answer intelligent questions, or take any kind of criticism!

So, when you log in there a few hours from now and find that all those troublemakers who don’t agree to vote for the candidate I’m tellin’em to vote for (whether they like it or not) have chosen to leave my fan site, and all their snarky little comments have been deleted, don’t be surprised. It’s MY safe haven, not theirs, and I intend to keep it that way, you betcha!

©Scarah Palin 2010

Coronation Day 2012

I want one like this, but poofier. And, I want the train longer, and I want more rhinestones!

Now, I know that the “Swearing In” thingy is an American tradition when it comes to new presidents, but it’s very boring. And, as much as I love to talk about the founding fathers as if they were my close personal friends (mostly just shoving words in their mouths to suit my own agenda there), no disrespect to them, but I’m gonna shake things up a bit when I get elected in 2012.

I know, I know… you’re saying “Scarah, you haven’t even committed to running in 2012. How do you know you’re going to get to do the movey shakey thingy?” And, I’m guessing you know the answer to that already, right? Of course you do…. God told me so. I talked to him just last night on a three-way (call that is) with Jesus. I had them both on my poor-man’s Blackberry (my right hand) in conference mode. God told me that he’s tired of throwin’ out lamps to light my path, and Jesus was holding that door open for me to run but he’s got a few other things to attend to, so they just went ahead and gave me the go ahead. So, now I know it’s official.

You see, in my master plan, I get to keep all the money in Scarah PAC (be sure to keep writin’ those big fat checks) and my dear baggers would make an official bona fide political party to pay for my ascent to the throne, I mean White House.

But, to get back to my shakin’ things up there… I’m foregoing the Swearing In ceremony. Besides the boring aspect, I’m Pentecostal and we don’t swear. So I’m having a real-live, first time ever, Coronation! That’s right! I’ve already got some Queenly designers (not the gay type, the royal type) working on designing my gown. It’s gonna be huge, sparkly, and even poofier than my hair! I’m thinking rhinestones, sequins, bugle beads, and lots of Taffeta or maybe Organza, and a 40 ft. long silk train. My coronation is going to make Princess Diana’s royal wedding look like a hoe-down (literally).

So, if there are any entertainers that haven’t made fun of me, and made their way onto my list by then, I’ll have a huge extravaganza. All 25, or 19, or 11, or however many kids I have by then will be all dressed up (I’ll pardon the ones that might be in jail) and Toad will have a fancy Tuxedo. It will be the biggest gala in American history.

Now, I know that this is a departure from the constitution or some thingy somewhere that tells what’s supposed to be done when someone gets elected Big Kahuna. But, I also know that the founding fathers never had anyone like me in mind when they wrote that, no siree Bab! They never saw me coming.

Thank You to the Clingers!

Well, I was out there in Michigan a few days ago, and by golly it was a real roof-raiser when I took the stage to perform. I got standing ovations from the sheeple, I mean people who paid to see me (I never go anywhere for free). It just shows how American I am, and how Socialist old Obamer is. He goes places for free because elected officials can’t take big fat checks to show up like I can, and I think that’s the very definition of Socialism, isn’t it? Well it’s my definition. I guess being a quitter never profited anybody ’til me! I’m just kinda mavericky like that… trailblazing and bible thumpin’ my way to millionairness, yes I am.

So, I made sure to tell all the fearful baggers, wingnuts and violent Christians how thankful I am to them there, for clinging to things (and for makin’ me rich). Like drowning rats clinging to swirling leaves, there they are clinging to guns, bibles and all the fear I can instill in only 45 minutes. I mean, to me, the fear of having their eardrums rupture from the fingernails on a chalkboard effect of my voice would be enough, but thankfully for me, it’s wasn’t. They wanted more! So, of course, I threw in a few good jabs (the same old ones):
• Lamestream media thinkin’ I’m an idiot (go figure)
• Unfunded mandates (whatever those are)
• Giving America back to the people who ruined it (because commonsense says we need more of that)
• Letting the private sector do what it does best (because insurance companies should be able to say who lives or dies, right?)
• Throwing the environment under the bus in the name of freedom and prosperity, and
• Yaaaawwwnnn… oops, sorry for that. (I’ve blabbed these same things so many times I’m even boring myself!)

Anyhoo, I think the strongest point I made was my refusal to back down on my “spill, baby, spill”… I mean “drill, baby, drill” mantra. As that Deepwater Horizon oil rig was exploding, and folks were scared for their lives… even as the second cap blew and the ocean filled with crude petroleum, there I was saying how God himself had “developed resources to responsibly extract here in the U.S.” And, as dusturbed as it sounds, gosh darnit I meant it!

Really, all of God’s little creations like the Gulf Coast shoreline, marine mammals, water fowl, and ocean life, along with all the fishermen, and everything on down there to the ocean floor, can see how responsible God is, right? And, ruining everything he made for us on this planet is just A-OK with him as long as I say it is! So, Forget BP and Halliburton. This is really all about God (and me). I know that anytime I throw mention of God into the mix there, it makes everything peachy-keen and it shows we’re in good company, darn tootin’ it does!

So, to all the baggers, thumpers, birthers and gun toters out there, I say thank you, God bless you, and keep on clingin’! You’re makin’ me rich and that’s just the way God wants it, you betcha!

©Scarah Palin 2010